I've turned to writing because I don't know what else to do, even though I don't think it is possible to right now to think straight or put the pain into words. Yesterday when I heard you were gone, I was stunned. I didn't know what to do. I ended up painting the stairs and landing in my house. It's needed doing for a long time (years) but I can never be bothered. But yesterday, I didn't know what else to do with myself and I needed to do something. So I lay sheets down on the floor, and I painted. Methodically, and carefully, and quietly, I painted from floor to ceiling. When I was done, I washed the roller, the tray, the paint brushes. I showered. I ordered a takeaway. And then I sat and started to cry. The crying quickly became the ugly wailing kind. And then, out of the blue, for the first time in my life, I had a panic attack. My heart pounded. I was hyperventilating, my face and head and neck turned to pins and needles. My lungs hurt. I nearly passed out. I've had to try since then to keep the tears under control, because when they build up, I can feel my heart and my breathing start to go again. I can't hold the tears in any more so I am writing as I cry, in the hope that focusing as much as possible on this prevents me losing my shit again as badly as I did last night.
Cancer is too cruel, and completely unfair. I think I should feel angry right now. But I just feel confused. I wish I could find a way to put right all of the wrong cancer is doing. There's 7 billion of us on this planet. You'd think between us we could find a way to stop cancer. Especially when it is targeting people who are so young, vibrant and full of life. This should never, ever have happened to you. I am so sorry.
Oh Jojo, my heart is broken. I've only known you a short time, but from day one I have been indescribably proud to be able to call you my friend. So, so proud. I have wanted the whole world to know that I am friends with the amazing Jojo Gingerhead. I talk about you all the time. There's a picture of me and you on my desk at work. You have said so many kind and lovely things to and about me, and they have meant so much, and every time, again, I've felt so proud, and so lucky, to have you as my friend. You really are one in a million, and it is clear that everyone who has ever known you thinks this too.
The feeling of loss is overwhelming. You are unique. There just isn't anyone else on earth with your perfect mix of bright, rude, sweet, heart warmingly disgusting humour. This world has lost just one of it's very, very best. We will treasure everything you have left us. Your writing. Your art. Your photos. Your music. And all of the happy memories.
Thank you Jojo Gingerhead, for being so utterly wonderful.
I'll miss you forever.
Farewell my friend. I love you. XO